8401 Days

As I sit here, bored, waiting for Spring Break and my barely 3 day trip home, I can't help but daydream about all the things I miss. Which is sad. But hopefully, I'll get at least some when I get there...here's my current list.

1. Pepperjax. I just want a friggen steak wrap. So bad. It's like pregnancy cravings. Every time a picture of anything from Pepperjax comes up on my facebook, a little part of me dies. This is a must do any time I go home. I would eat a steak wrap for every meal if that didn't mean I would probably die of a heart blockage.

2. The Moon. Just in general. I miss going to the moon. I miss drinking Pink Moons. I'm pretty sure every night I got super drunk in college was somehow related to the moon (Sorry, parents!). I just love this place. Maybe just because I miss college and how easy it was comparatively, and this takes me back to those days, but really, I miss that place.

3. Parking my car in a garage. This is mainly because the only good spot outside my apartment in the last few days was under the tree and now my hood is covered - COVERED - in bird shit. Which is just gross. If it's still nice in March, I'm getting a car wash and then leaving my car in there so I can remember what it's like to have it look pretty.

4. The Basement Club. Which is like the Breakfast Club, but way lamer. Lamer because it is actually just two of my best friends and me hanging out in my basement, and because I have to be Ally Sheedy, the creepy one. But I really miss that time, some of my favorite memories come from that basement and those people.

I could really go on for days about things I want to go back to, but, I have to wait 17 more days for that (and yes, there is a countdown on my phone. Don't judge me). Luckily, there are good things keeping me here, too. For one, I have friends who give me the leftover pizza so that I can eat until I get paid. Who does that? Super nice people, that's who. For two, I have homemade Kahlua from my awesome Aunt that I am drinking right now since I am so far ahead on my homework that I can kick back a little :) which is awesome. Three, I have actually kept up on keeping my apartment clean this semester, and I actually really like my clean apartment. It's cute. I much prefer my big bed here than the twin I sleep in at home. There are pros here, too. Thank God.

My apartment. More specifically, my couch. Where the magic happens. Things to notice: Candles, Kahlua, and a hole punch. Girl's best friends? Anyway, someday, I swear I'm going to post pics of the rest of my place for those of you who want to see it and haven't had the "official" skype tour.

What's closer on my phone countdown is my 23rd birthday. 9 days. So pumped. I love birthdays. Not just my birthday, all birthdays. If it's your birthday and you don't want people to know, don't tell me. I want people to sing obnoxiously to you and make you wear weird hats or do embarrassing things. Birthdays are the best! It'll be weird not celebrating with my mom this year, though. I'm kind of nervous, I've never not been home for my birthday (since it was ALWAYS over Spring Break in college) so this is the first one on my own. Not like it will be exciting at all, it's on a friggen Thursday. I'll be in class during the day and clinic at night, at least until 7. So that's kind of super lame. Hopefully some cool things will come up, but honestly, 23 is kind of boring. To quote Blink-182, "nobody likes you when you're 23." I feel like it's a downhill slide from here. All of the birthdays you look forward to after this are not fun ones, so 23 just doesn't seem that fun. And if you asked my 10 year old self where I would be when I was 23, I'm sure I'm none of those places. I bet I would have said "married, getting ready for kids (by 25, duh), living in a house with a career and blah blah blah. None of those things are happening. Which I'm ok with. I never ever thought I'd be going to grad school, never thought I'd be moving to Oklahoma, never thought I would have met some of the people I have who have changed my life, never thought I'd have mono three times, never thought my mom would have breast cancer, never thought I'd get a tattoo, never thought I'd do half of the things I've done to this day. So while my life may not have been in my plans, it's been pretty awesome. I've learned a lot, done a lot, experienced a lot, and I'm ok that it hasn't been anything I've planned. I'll get there, I'm only 22 :)

That was my 19th birthday....already 4 years ago. Holy balls. My hair was so dark! I miss it :)

My most recent big project for school was a book report on The 5 Love Languages. After reading it, I'm basically obsessed with this book. I would like everyone in the world to read this book and learn their love languages. Mine, no surprise, are physical touch and quality time. I just wanna be hugged, man! It's weird, though, realizing that people get love in different ways. It's interesting to think of how this has affected my life....like my mom, for example. She's probably a words of affirmation lady. She gets pissed when I say mean things..."I hate you, you're a jerk", etc. That means a lot to her, whereas for me, words pretty much mean nothing. You could probably tell me I'm the most horrible person in the world and it wouldn't affect me as much as if you refuse to hug me. I want to feel that you love me and for you to want to spend time with me. Your presence to me means that you love me. It's enlightening to realize that people don't necessarily feel loved the way I feel love. Some people hate physical touch, and that's probably not their love language. Fascinating stuff. Read this book. It'll change your life. That was a much bigger plug than I anticipated.....but I'm serious, so good.

I've been listening to a lot of old music lately, which has helped keep my sanity through some tough homework times last week. Everyone should go back and listen to Tracy Chapman, Give Me One Reason or Fast Car, because it's just so good. I still laugh everytime I listen to her because I thought she was a man until I was like 13, but I always thought s(he) was amazing. I also have this really weird pain in the middle of my back that I wish would go away. I hate that I always seem to have these injuries that I generally can't explain. Minus the foot thing, that was my own dumb fault. I can't wait until I get paid....my fridge looks almost as empty as when I first moved in. It has been so awful, I've never been out of money for this long. But I should be getting PAID super soon with my paycheck and my tax refund, so that's pretty great. Hopefully I can get some fun things for my apartment with this paycheck. We shall see. Ok, I'm done. Happy Leap Year tomorrow!

Frustration

Since I spent all of yesterday grading, I'm in burnout mode and since I don't have class tomorrow and don't feel like doing anything productive tonight, I'm going to blog and bitch about things instead.

This first part is pure rampage. Don't read if you don't want to feel my semi-bitter wrath.
***End of post update. Turns out most of this post is kind of on the rampage side. It's my blog, I'll be a bitch if I want to :) ***

First, I want to bitch about drivers in this state. If I have interacted with you in the past seven-ish months of me living here, you know how much I hate drivers in this state. I mean really, I'm not the best driver in the world, but I also haven't been in an accident or gotten a ticket, parking or otherwise - I just knocked on my coffee table to be safe. So, I feel like I can be justified in my frustrations. Let me lay down a few basic, simple facts that drivers really should be aware of. 1. Don't drive with your brights on when there are other cars around. I understand you need to use your brights when you're in the country by yourself so you can see. However, I'm talking to you, douche in the pickup that followed me down 51 with your brights on the entire time. You don't leave them on when people are right in front of you. You blinded me for about 30 minutes. Not cool. 2. The left lane is for passing. Seriously. I can't count how many times I've had to pass someone on the right on the INTERSTATE. That's not ok. You are not supposed to drive in the left lane. You are especially not supposed to drive in the left lane slowly. 3. Stop tailgating. For one, I want to breakcheck you. For two, I can't pass the idiot in the left lane who thinks they can go 10 under the speed limit in that lane, so don't get mad at me because other drivers are stupid. For three, if I get over to let you pass, don't get behind me again and continue to tailgate me. Clearly, lady in the red van, you don't understand what passing is. 4. Go the speed limit. Speed limits on interstates down here are like 10-15 mph higher than they are in NE. Take advantage of that.

Driving rampage over.

It still freaks me out how much more I know I-35 than I ever knew I-80. It pains me to admit that! I also love the drive to Stillwater once you get off the interstate....if there aren't many cars around you can see sooooo many stars. It feels like I'm camping...except I'm driving. Whoops. But it takes me back to the days where I really wanted to be an astronomer or an astronaut. Before the idea of never-ending space and time started scaring the shit out of me, and before I heard the song "Major Tom" and had nightmares for months. Anyway, I still get excited when I can find the big or little dipper, or Orion's belt. And that drive brings it all back to me. Sometimes I still wonder what it would be like if I kept up on that dream...took more physics. Became more nerdy than I already am. Who knows? Weird.

So as evidenced by my previous posts, I've been thinking a lot about people. This is going to sound weird, but I'm really struggling with my problem with believing everyone is telling the truth. I'm really gullible, as I've said before...but I think I really believe that people have others' best interest at heart. I can't lie. I mean really, I can't lie. I get nervous, I giggle, people can see right through me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, even when I don't want to. Yes, it sucks when I don't want people to know things about me because I can't hide it, but honestly, it makes life easier because I don't have to hide behind stories. However, I'm learning people aren't like this. People don't always tell the truth. People actually kind of suck. People let you down...which I think really blows. I accept it, but that doesn't mean I like it. My problem is, how do I stop believing everything everyone says without abandoning my desire to give people the benefit of the doubt? Or do I just need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt entirely? I don't know. People just need to be like me. Except that would be a terribly dramatic and whiney world, so maybe not.

This post is getting really angsty - not my intention - oops. On a brighter note, I think my toe is better. I can almost walk on it without limping, and I wore a real pair of shoes today. Maybe it wasn't broken....it was gross, but potentially not broken. So my streak of perfect boneage (that sounded incredibly slutty. My bad) may continue. Also excting, my birthday is in like two and a half weeks. Which is kind of fun.....potentially. Even more exciting is that I get to go home the week after that....probably looking forward to that more.

I really don't have anything exciting to talk about, this was more to waste time and procrastinate. But, the songs I really like this week are random. 1. Helena Beat, by Foster the People (yes, they have more songs than the one). I just can't get it out of my head. Also, 2. I am not a Whore, by LMFAO. Don't judge me, I just think it's hilarious. "I'm a human, not a sandwich." Brings me back to like sophomore year of college when Anne and I were obsessed with this song....losers :)

Delirium

If you read my facebook, you will already know of my revelation that my life is a complete messy joke. Let me explain to you some reasons why:

1. My 22 year streak of never actually breaking a bone (save for that one time in 5th grade where I jacked up my finger - however, no bone was supposedly ever broken) is over. Not officially, because I really don't want to go to the doctor and have to tell another dumb story to another doctor, but I'm fairly certain my feet will never be the same again. For all of you who haven't heard, this is the story. After picking up interviewees from the OKC airport and going to dinner, we all went back to my friend's house and I had to go to the bathroom, but someone was in the downstairs one so I had to go upstairs. Here you should be aware of my awesome history with stairs. As in, I'm bad at them. Anyway, coming back down the stairs, wearing some socks my mom got me for Christmas (Thanks for the danger socks, mom), I start thinking "shit, these stairs feel really steep and kind of slippery." No joke. It's like I can predict my embarrassing future. I'm not sure if it was the stairs fault, or if it was a mix of my top-heaviness and slightly over the stair speed limit pace, but I only walked down about half of the stairs. The rest of the stairs saw some combination of my stomach, face, arms, and legs. Basically I somersaulted down the second half of the stairs. Apparently I didn't scream (or swear, surprisingly) or make any noise except the thuds as I was descending to the bottom. So, now I'm laying at the bottom laughing my ass off because that was one of the most embarrassing things I've done recently and then I remember there are other people in this house that isn't mine. So, I pick up my bruised ego (after getting a picture taken so this moment will follow me forever) and face three people I met about 3 hours prior and 2 of my friends, and realize this is the impression these girls are getting of the OSU MFT program (whoops). So then I start sitting there, still laughing because my friends won't stop laughing every time they look at me and my pinky toe starts throbbing and we realize it's about twice the size of the other one. Oh, and I can't move it. At all. So that's my broken toe story. Of course, the next day was interviews so I had to explain the story because I am supposed to keep my foot elevated and I looked like a schlub, but luckily, my friends were kind enough to show all of my professors the picture so my reputation preceded me :) Awesome. Now, it's suuuuper bruised and I still can't move it and it still hurts, but I moved from not really being able to wear shoes yesterday to partially being able to walk on it without feeling like I'm dying today, so I'm hoping it just heals and I can have a regular looking foot again. Also, here's an awkward pic of my bruised foot. Sorry if you're creeped out by feet, but I know there are people who read this who will want to see this or that have foot fetishes (just kidding about the last part). My toe is still about twice the size of the other one. Ugh. Be happy I didn't post the side view.

2. The weirdest people in the world want to be my friend. Enter the old lady in my stats class. By old, I mean like, 60+. I'm not being mean, I just don't know how else to describe her. She's bizarre. Nice, but bizarre. And now she has my phone number. Because I happen to be pretty good at stats (though my professor won't let me answer any of the questions even though I don't answer them often) and Stats Lady - name being withheld because I feel mean - must have heard me answering all the questions and wants me to be able to help her if she needs it. I couldn't fake number her because I see her every Tuesday night....so I'm just praying she doesn't actually call me. Because I'm super awkward and don't know how long I'd be able to keep it together.

3. Pretty sure I'm actually becoming an insomniac. I haven't been able to go to sleep at a regular hour in forever. Even if I have to wake up hella early, I'll be up until at least 2 or 3. So I've been pretty delirious lately. Making me say really awkward things in really awkward places. For instance, telling one of my professors of my weird crush on Dr. Drew. In class. Or why I blog weird stuff at 1 in the morning.

One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is trust. Weird. But I have this thing where I can never decide if I trust everyone or if I trust no one. I know I've said both plenty of times. I'm starting to think that it's the same thing. Trusting everyone means that you believe everything everyone says...which I generally do. But I kind of feel like if you believe everything anyone says, you also don't believe anything anyone says. Because everything can change in an instant. How can you believe everyone? It's impossible. Someone is going to contradict someone else, and then you're in a cycle. It's like a walking contradiction. A pit of confusion. I guess I'll just keep trusting/not trusting everyone since I'm not sure I can stop it anyway.

Also, I'm wondering about people with "types". People always ask people what their type is. If you ask me, I probably answer something different based on who is asking and what I'm thinking at that exact moment. I mean, really, if you look at the last 3 or 4 guys I've been attracted to, they have absolutely nothing in common. But most would fit in to one of my types. I'm not going to specifically say what they are because God knows who reads this, but there is a pretty big spectrum. So let's say a person has one type. Does that make you shallow? Like if you find yourself only be attracted to someone if they're blonde, 6'4", and have a 6 pack (not a type of mine, by the way) is that your subconscious' way of being shallow for you? Eliminating people based on dumb stuff that isn't super relevant...I mean, we could get into evolutionary psych, but that's not where I'm going. But really, if you have this "type" and you don't talk to anyone that doesn't fit it, you're missing some of the best stuff. Earlier mentioned blonde guy could in fact be a convict, but your type says "go for it, he's perfect," when brunette, short, fat guy is everything you want and more. Maybe every blonde, 6'4" fit dude is actually an asshole, but you're being shallow and don't know any better. So, I'm thinking types are overrated. I think, based on my multiple types, maybe I just really don't have one. Maybe it's like my trust problem. I like everyone, I like no one. That sounded slutty - again, not what I meant. But you get it. Or you don't. I don't care, it's my blog.

Well, that got delirious fast. Since I started writing this blog I have done 2 loads of laundry, eaten a bowl of sherbet, and now I'm sucking down cough drops because all of a sudden I feel allergic to air. Now I kind of just want some chicken soup and a cuddle because being in pain and feeling like shit is not a good combo. My prostitute neighbor has about 4 guys outside yelling right now, so I'll probably be up a little bit longer...thinking I may try and make myself a fancy dinner on Valentine's Day to celebrate being done with this stats test.....and by fancy, I mean potentially cooking a steak on my George Foreman....I could see that turning into another unfortunate blog post when I set my apartment on fire, but we will see what happens. In the spirit of V Day, you should all listen to Jason Mraz's new song I Won't Give Up and then cry little baby tears. So good. Also, now that I'm completely stream-of-consciousness-ing, when did Stephen King movies get so shitty? I DVRed Bag of Bones sometime last year and finally got around to watching the first two hours of it....the suck could come from the fact that friggen Pierce Brosnan is the main character, or potentially because there is still another two hours I have to watch, but the first half made me want to shoot myself. I miss the ones I used to watch as a kid. Maybe they were only scary because I was a kid, but still. Going downhill, Stephen. Going downhill. Ok, I need to stop now.

P.S. I just spell checked...it says "blonde" is spelled without an "e". Since when are both not acceptable? Lame grammar rules. I'm keeping it in protest.