I can't believe how weird free time feels. And how little I remember how to handle it. The sleeping in part I was ok with, then I ran errands which was awesome (oil change, campus, old navy - I saved $105 today, my receipt told me. Pretty big win!), and then I got home and got BORED. I cleaned the apartment, caught up on some stuff on the DVR, read a Cosmo, tried to cook red beans and rice and sausage - complete fail, I couldn't figure out how to cook sausage, the rice was crunchy....gross, but it wasted an hour - I even did tons of sit ups and push ups to kill time, and then I ran out of things to occupy my time. Now I'm marathoning Tough Love from VH1, for one because I think the host is cute and right some of the time and seems to know cute guys; and two, because I wish someone would slap me in the face with things I need to work on about myself sometimes!
As I say that, I realize that in this program, I am having to become more aware of myself, my family, my shortcomings, and my strengths than I ever have before. Talking about certain parts of my past have brought back some really dark memories and some bad times, and I've been in kind of a bad place for the past week or so. I'm definitely getting better, but I hate going back there. I'm so proud of who I am today, and I know I wouldn't be here without all of the parts of my past, I just hate thinking about it. But, if I'm going to survive in this program (read: life) I'm going to have to figure out how to be in those places and work with it and recognize who I've been and how that helps who I am. I've always felt that I've known who I am, but I think being here - away from my family and the things and places I know - has really solidified these ideas. But I'm learning to incorporate those things that I don't like about myself and figuring out how to accept them and possibly change/make them work for me. I mean, seriously, I'm a weirdo. I'm loud. I don't eat the crust of my pizza. I apologize way too much, mostly due to my fear of rejection, but also because I don't want to hurt people. I love quickly, unapologetically, and hard. I really like things to go my way, and being right (only child syndrome?), but I'm really learning quickly to get over that shit. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love scary movies. I'm afraid of letting go and being out of control. I hate repetitive noises. I'm a terrible cook, but a pretty good baker. I overshare...about everything. I am not good at lying. And if you add those last two together, you could find out some really awkward things about me if you tried :)
Ok, I know all of that sounded like an Alanis Morissette song, but it's my blog so deal with it. But really, one of the biggest things I've learned about myself recently is that I am strong. I am a strong, independent woman. I am determined, and I really can do anything I set my mind to, and I have. There's a lot of things that scare me, and half of the time I feel incompetent, but I've done a lot and I just have to keep trying. And I need to figure out how to make all of this weirdness work for me. And I will. Luckily, I've found people here that support me. People that I've only known for three months but who have shown me unconditional love and support and it's been amazing. These people have helped me remember that I don't need to dwell in the past, but to realize where it has gotten me...and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm incredibly thankful for these people, this program, this time and place.
Speaking of Thanksgiving...literally three days from now I will be laying in my bed in my mom's house, all of my best friends will be in the same city for a very brief time. Since all of my shitty papers are done, I can finally get excited and now I can't stop thinking about just how excited I am to be with the people I love the most in this world. I am not excited to spend 16 hours in the car, but I am excited that I get company for like 11 of those hours! I'm hoping for an excuse to wear the hot new jeans I bought with some hooker shoes, but who knows where this weekend will take me. Likely, I will just end up in sweatpants with the basement club, and the hot jeans and hooker shoes will have to wait until I'm back in Stillwater, and that will be alright. I just want to be in Omaha for a little bit. Eat some Pepperjax. Cuddle with my cat. Hug the crap out of some people. Even writing about it is making me far too pumped to want to do anything productive the next few days. But I will, cause I have to.
Anyway, that was a lot of my brain just going nuts...some dumb thoughts to end this post with: I finally got an OSU sticker to put on my car....now it is kind of official that I go here. Also, the light right outside of my front door, which is solar and turns on/off whenever it wants to, is now flickering - murder house style - so every time I come home at night I'm afraid I'm going to get knifed in slow-motion. Blame the scary movies. Song(s) I'm currently obsessed with: Actually, any song by Cory Chisel and the Wandering Sons. Just youtube him. He's so sexy. Plus, the songs are incredible. Also, now that I have a CD player in my car, I'm willing to accept mix CDs as bribes for just about anything. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
It's Been A Long Time Since I Came Around
So I haven't blogged in like a month. Whoops. School got hard, what can I say?!
Things are getting better here in Stilly. I actually hung out with people every day this weekend (meaning Thursday-Sunday) which was so great for my brain, but terrible for my studies. Again, whoops. But I don't care. I had a much better time sitting in a hot tub drinking wine with friends than I ever would have reading about theory or something else that I don't care so much about, so I'm really not even mad that I'm terribly behind now. I may rethink that by the end of the week, but for now, I'm good. And, it's really great to have the worst week of the semester under my belt...however, I get my first grad school test back tomorrow (er, today) and that could completely change my outlook. But again, I'm going to sit in this moment and relish in my awesome weekend.
Speaking of this weekend, I experienced my first two earthquakes here...what the hell? I know Oklahoma is all about tornadoes and heat and I was prepared for that-Nebraska has the same problems-but who the hell associates Oklahoma with earthquakes? Weird. I guess I can say that I've actually been in a tornado AND an earthquake now, I just need a hurricane to complete the trifecta of natural disasters. This weekend I also pretended to be an OSU fan...watched the ENTIRE game, and it was incredible, mostly because of how terribly we were playing. But I watched, I wore orange, and we won, and I had a good time with friends, so chalk one up to school spirit.
As for tonight, I got to spend some good time with my family in the city (also, I think it's lame that people here call Oklahoma City "the city," I wonder if people do that about Omaha...I doubt it) which was incredible. Sometimes, you just need some home cooking and some happy family and baby-smelling babies to make you feel all good inside. Besides that, though, I got to spend 2 hours in the car jamming to music, which is always good for the soul. And I've kicked some serious Suzie Homemaker ass tonight...did 4 loads of laundry, got it ALL folded and put away, which never happens...did a little cleaning, watched Grey's Anatomy...pretty solid Sunday night, except for the fact that it's 2:15 in the morning and there's no sign of me going to bed anytime soon.
My big letdown of the weekend is that someone cracked my bumper on my car. I don't know if it was at school or Walmart, but someone broke my car (more than it's already broken) which blows. I hope it doesn't fall off when I'm driving home in a few weeks. But, to compensate, I got the CD player installed, so for the first time in like 6 years of owning this car, I can actually play a medium of music that was created in the last 20 years, instead of the cassettes I was relying on before the cassette player broke!!! Such a win (thanks, Dad, for finding the unit!) Nothing will come between me and my music anymore....sorry to all drivers that will have to watch me hardcore car dance. And I got a table! No more random table frame sitting in my dining area....my cousin and his wife are letting me borrow a sweet high table and 4 chairs that they aren't using, and I am so excited!
More good news....my upstairs neighbors have finally shut the hell up. It's been so weird not having my walls shake from the bass and being able to sleep at night...I am so excited. Now, the big problem is that the neighbors all around smoke and my apartment smells like a bar all the time, no matter how many smelly things I have around the apartment. There isn't enough febreeze in the world to deal with this. Gross. But, I can sleep, so I'll take what I can get....
Besides all of that, my life is SUPER lame. I feel like all I do is read or write papers, and that blows. I'm really burnt out of this whole "being a student" thing, but I guess I have to keep sucking it up and reminding myself that this is actually what I want to do. I'm forcing myself to do things with people outside of school, because I desperately need that to keep any semblance of sanity. So far it's working for me pretty well :) Probably happier this weekend than I have been in ages, so I'm going to keep it up!
As for the current song I'm obsessed with: Here Comes The Sun Again, by M. Ward. I'm pretty sure I got this from some car commercial, then had to youtube stalk to figure out what it was, but I really like it!
Things are getting better here in Stilly. I actually hung out with people every day this weekend (meaning Thursday-Sunday) which was so great for my brain, but terrible for my studies. Again, whoops. But I don't care. I had a much better time sitting in a hot tub drinking wine with friends than I ever would have reading about theory or something else that I don't care so much about, so I'm really not even mad that I'm terribly behind now. I may rethink that by the end of the week, but for now, I'm good. And, it's really great to have the worst week of the semester under my belt...however, I get my first grad school test back tomorrow (er, today) and that could completely change my outlook. But again, I'm going to sit in this moment and relish in my awesome weekend.
Speaking of this weekend, I experienced my first two earthquakes here...what the hell? I know Oklahoma is all about tornadoes and heat and I was prepared for that-Nebraska has the same problems-but who the hell associates Oklahoma with earthquakes? Weird. I guess I can say that I've actually been in a tornado AND an earthquake now, I just need a hurricane to complete the trifecta of natural disasters. This weekend I also pretended to be an OSU fan...watched the ENTIRE game, and it was incredible, mostly because of how terribly we were playing. But I watched, I wore orange, and we won, and I had a good time with friends, so chalk one up to school spirit.
As for tonight, I got to spend some good time with my family in the city (also, I think it's lame that people here call Oklahoma City "the city," I wonder if people do that about Omaha...I doubt it) which was incredible. Sometimes, you just need some home cooking and some happy family and baby-smelling babies to make you feel all good inside. Besides that, though, I got to spend 2 hours in the car jamming to music, which is always good for the soul. And I've kicked some serious Suzie Homemaker ass tonight...did 4 loads of laundry, got it ALL folded and put away, which never happens...did a little cleaning, watched Grey's Anatomy...pretty solid Sunday night, except for the fact that it's 2:15 in the morning and there's no sign of me going to bed anytime soon.
My big letdown of the weekend is that someone cracked my bumper on my car. I don't know if it was at school or Walmart, but someone broke my car (more than it's already broken) which blows. I hope it doesn't fall off when I'm driving home in a few weeks. But, to compensate, I got the CD player installed, so for the first time in like 6 years of owning this car, I can actually play a medium of music that was created in the last 20 years, instead of the cassettes I was relying on before the cassette player broke!!! Such a win (thanks, Dad, for finding the unit!) Nothing will come between me and my music anymore....sorry to all drivers that will have to watch me hardcore car dance. And I got a table! No more random table frame sitting in my dining area....my cousin and his wife are letting me borrow a sweet high table and 4 chairs that they aren't using, and I am so excited!
More good news....my upstairs neighbors have finally shut the hell up. It's been so weird not having my walls shake from the bass and being able to sleep at night...I am so excited. Now, the big problem is that the neighbors all around smoke and my apartment smells like a bar all the time, no matter how many smelly things I have around the apartment. There isn't enough febreeze in the world to deal with this. Gross. But, I can sleep, so I'll take what I can get....
Besides all of that, my life is SUPER lame. I feel like all I do is read or write papers, and that blows. I'm really burnt out of this whole "being a student" thing, but I guess I have to keep sucking it up and reminding myself that this is actually what I want to do. I'm forcing myself to do things with people outside of school, because I desperately need that to keep any semblance of sanity. So far it's working for me pretty well :) Probably happier this weekend than I have been in ages, so I'm going to keep it up!
As for the current song I'm obsessed with: Here Comes The Sun Again, by M. Ward. I'm pretty sure I got this from some car commercial, then had to youtube stalk to figure out what it was, but I really like it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)