I'm pretty sure I am not a blogger; I have a hard time keeping up. Obviously. I also feel like lately, I haven't had anything interesting to say. Grad school has basically consumed my soul...and I knew it would, but it still sucks. Right now, I'm procrastinating homework I shouldn't have because I'm in my "summer break," but of course that's not a real thing in grad school. I'm also counting down the hours until I get to go home for my actual week off of school (approximately 28, in case you were wondering). But, I'm bored and sunburned so my position on the couch hasn't changed for the past 4 hours and I felt like I should blog some of my more recent thoughts. It's another one about love (hey, blame my day job). Get ready. But first, a quote from the show Smash that made me miss my Baba more than anything: "Jews don't sing and pray....they complain. And eat." That may seem weird, but I just miss my Baba every day and I can imagine having the conversations I'm having with myself in this blog with her on her lanai in Florida drinking wine and running our fingers around the top of the glasses. She was a great lady and I wish terribly she was still in my life. Thinking of you, Baba.
I want to preface whatever may come out of my head and my fingers by stating that I do believe in love. With all of my heart. Sometimes it may seem that this is not the case, but it is. So don't doubt that. I just have a lot of other things I'm not sure of. And that is the point of this post.
Ok, so here goes...my first thought. I'm not sure how I feel about marriage as an institution. I mean, let's face it, I want one. I'm a typical hopeless romantic woman; I'm hoping that one day I get proposed to and get to plan a big wedding with all of my loved ones and enter into the newness of a marriage relationship with someone. However, blame it on my life's experience, but I'm just not sure that human beings are monogamous people for the duration of life. Lives are longer than they ever have been, and I wonder if it is really possible to stay in love with someone for 50+ years. I mean, I want to be in a relationship with passion and excitement, and I know this takes work in a committed relationship; I'm just not sure if there is any way to maintain it in a long-term setting. Maybe because I haven't seen first-hand a real-life relationship that has lasted happily and passionately for any length of time. Relationships can last for tons of years; that doesn't mean people are happy in them. And in the profession I'm studying right now, I'm seeing first-hand how many relationships genuinely suck. And I wonder, do we all just settle because we are, as a society, expected to get married and procreate? Would we all be better off without this pressure, committing to relationships for shorter periods of time, but committing to different people as our interests and personalities develop? Who knows?
I also really wonder if I've had my chance at love and lost it. Now don't judge me if you're reading this, these are just thoughts I've had. I was with someone once who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. If, in fact, we are supposed to be with one person for the rest of our life, what if that was my one chance and I missed it? I mean, I'm not saying that I want to go back to him or anything (and if he's reading this...thank you for everything you taught me about myself and relationships, I hope you're doing well), but I wonder if that was my one shot and I didn't try hard enough to make it work. What if it was? Does that mean I'm doomed to wander the planet looking for someone who doesn't exist? Or are there multiple people we're meant to be with at different times in our lives for different reasons? If so, that explains that relationship...I learned things about myself and what I am looking for, I learned lessons about life and love, and I definitely grew as a person. I know I'm better for being in that relationship, as I am for being in all of my previous relationships. So hopefully there's still a chance for me out there somewhere.
As far as that goes, I'm trying to take my love life in my own hands. I started the "online dating" thing...so far it's been pretty lame. I've been talked to by mostly super creeps, so my expectations are not super high. But who knows. It's pretty hard to meet people here with my life being so stressful, so this is the best I can do. I always told myself I would never do that, but I also always told myself I'd never do something where I wasn't around males....too bad I did that one bigtime. So I'm willing to try anything...put myself out there. I'm sure I will blog about updates with that....don't you all worry. I already have some pretty ridiculous stories. Why are there so many weirdos? Don't say "because it's online dating" because I know there are good people out there and good people who online date (i.e. me and some of my friends). I'm still holding out hope. And I've only been on for less than a week, so I'm going to attempt to be patient, no matter how much I suck at it.
I'm blaming the recent upswing in my interest in dating on school. I spend all day every day talking about relationships and hearing about relationships and watching relationsips. Sue me that I now kind of want one too. I'm not in any hurry to get married (because let's face it, I'm selfish and I'm really enjoying living by myself) but it would be really nice to have someone to hang out with. Also, the bible belt is tough on 20 somethings who aren't married. I had a conversation with my cousin recently and it was one of the best conversations I've had in a long time...it's hard to have deep conversations sometimes, but she's someone I trust more than just about anyone and I really valued the time I had to talk to her. She reassured me in my struggles and my fears about life, love, and being a single girl in OK. It was unreal how much it helped to hear that I'm not the first person who is feeling all of the things that I am feeling. I know that's stupid to say, because God knows that half the world is probably right there with me, but it's always nice to know that someone you know has actually been there too. Thank God for my family. Seriously, I love them.
Well enough of all that. Something super positive that's happened in the last week....I bought a swimsuit. It's probably the first swimsuit I've ever owned that I feel good in. Society pretty much tells us that women like me are not supposed to feel sexy in swimsuits, and I've pretty much agreed for most of my life. But, I bought this swimsuit and I feel like the sexiest woman that ever was. It's like 50s style and I love it. I wore it with pride on Monday. It was an amazing feeling. I mean, it sucked in all the right things, it held in all the right things, and it is actually pretty freaking cute. So count that as a win. The not cute thing is that I only put sunscreen on my face and I have 2nd degree burns on 50% of my body. Not so sexy....and incredibly painful. But it was worth it...almost :) I've tried just about every home remedy to make the pain go away, and it turns out that the one I've liked the best has actually been the potato. I have actually been rubbing a potato on my sunburn and it's the biggest relief I've had in two days. So bizarre, but I'm a new proponent of the potato method.
I'm going to stop now because this is getting long...but as always, I want to leave you with some songs I'm loving at this moment. Try Falling or Tip of My Tongue by The Civil Wars, or The A Team or Fall by Ed Sheeran. He's this crazy redheaded dude from England with an incredible voice. They're all pretty angsty or have to deal with love, but I don't care, I'm loving them right now. I've also been going back to the 90s a ton...there were some really good 69 cent 90s songs on itunes this month...so check that out if you're interested. That's all I've got!
