You Are a Murderer of Love

Twice in one week? I know, too much. But I had some more thoughts about things. First though, my embarrassing story of the day.

Warning. Don't read this paragraph if you get grossed out by things that are a tiny bit gross. Or ears.

So if you've been around me lately, I'm sure you've heard - cause let's face it, I like to bitch about things sometimes - of my weird ear problem where I wake up and I can't hear out of my right ear and how it's because I have sinus stuff. Usually, it goes away in like 10 minutes and I can hear again, but today I woke up and it wouldn't go away. For hours. So I got freaked out that I was going deaf and decided to go to the University Health place to get it looked at and make it go away. Ok. Fast forward four hours. At student health. The doctor is an old man whose first comment is "so you've been shoving beans in your ears, huh?" Ok, doc. I'm 22, almost 23. Not 7. And that was not funny. But I play along because if I need drugs, I want stuff that will actually help me. So I giggle and let him keep telling dumb jokes. Awkward 5 minutes ensues where he asks me my symptoms and I don't really have any besides the fact that I can't hear out of my right ear. So he looks in my ear and is like "there's so much waxy buildup I can't even see your eardrum." Well, that's disgusting. I'm a clean person, that shit doesn't happen to clean people. I guess it does....anyway, he asks if I want them to flush it. Sure! What the hell else am I going to do? So this nurse lady flushes out my ear....no joke. Weirdest thing I've ever had done to me....anyway, all of a sudden I can hear and the lady is like "uh, do you want to see what came out." First reaction: NO! Second reaction: well, if she's asking me, maybe I should. So I do. Freaking part of a q-tip has been shoved in my eardrum for God knows how long. I don't know how it got there. I'm freaking out. First of all, really embarrassed that obnoxious doctor guy is going to have to come back in and I am now suddenly the 7 year old with shit shoved in her ear. Second of all, that's just absolutely disgusting. Walk of shame out of student health commences. What a day. Moral of the story? Don't use q-tips.

Ok, everyone can read again.

So the real reason I wanted to post is because of love. And that is purely because I watched half of the movie Dan in Real Life last night (freaking love that movie), and partially because it's February, and that just means love. Anyway, the whole premise is based on this dorky guy finding love in all of the wrong places. Of course in the end it turns out well, but there's drama. So I'm watching this movie I've seen like 5 times, and some parts still get to me. Like how the hopelessly romantic teenage daughter is obsessed with her boyfriend. Well, dad is not happy about this and sends boyfriend away. Boyfriend says to dad, "Love is not a feeling. It's an ability." Well, first he said it in Spanish, which was really hot because of my obsession with foreign language. But that's beside the point. I was really struck by what he said. Probably every person you ask to define love will say it's some sort of feeling where you blah blah blah.

BUT....what if love isn't really a feeling, just an ability? A skill a person can have, or learn? That almost makes more sense to me. Which I find weird, because I'm a hopeless romantic and would have said the same thing when asked. Love is all about feeling goofy and safe and happy and excited and all of those things. If we think of love as an ability, it makes a lot more sense. Some people just don't have it. Some people suck at love. It's true. I know people that said they've never been in love. Maybe they just weren't born with, or taught, the ability to love. They may have had plenty of happy and wonderful relationships, but never been in love because they just don't know how, or what that even means. I know people who claim they are incapable of being loved. Maybe they don't have that ability, either? But, if love is an ability, that means it can be taught. It is impossible to cause a person to feel in a certain way. People are going to feel what they want to feel, regardless of what someone says. If someone says they can't feel love, maybe it's true, they can't. But what if they could be taught love. I feel more confident teaching someone how to play the piano than I do teaching someone how to feel depressed.

On the other end of the spectrum, love being an ability could be the reason behind the fact that I am really good at it. And by "really good at it" I mean I fall in love all the time. I have no problem being in love. I love to love. I love to be loved. Might as well face it, I'm addicted to love. I don't ever know why, or what it is about my feelings that makes it love, but I know that it is. Which is weird. And after watching The Bachelor tonight, I wonder if maybe those girls aren't just really good at love too. Really bad at sanity and making good choices, but really good at love. Honestly, though, I just think they're all nuts. But, according to this new theory, maybe they're just well trained. If you think of it like that, you could argue that you could train someone to love poorly, in the opposite direction, which could also explain the crazy girls on the bachelor: trained poorly.

I think all people should be able to love and be loved. I don't care how badly you've been hurt in the past, how afraid you are of love, or how much you claim you don't need it. Love is an experience. You need to have it whenever you get the opportunity. Love hard. Love big. I could start quoting (more) cheesy movies but I'm not going to, because that's lame.
Well, that's my ramble on love. Whatever love is, I like it. The end. Oh, funny (not really) story. I went to Chick-fil-a tonight because I was having a massive craving....call it my reward for the ear thing. Anyway, in my bag there was an invitation to Valentine's Day at Chick-fil-a. No joke. They're having a valet. And a photographer. And it's 25 bucks. You better get a whole friggen chicken for that. But, probably beats the plans I will have...stats test and then homework. Lame. Oh well. I'm still not going to be that girl that hates V-day. I really like V-day. Guess it's the hopeless romantic in me. Good hopeless romance song for right now? Make You Feel My Love, by Adele. She is the queen of romance. Now go on, learn to love, or feel love, or just love. Whatever :) And if you think different...let me know. I want to hear!

Oh, and P.S.-Pretty sure my million bottles of water broke the bottom shelf in my fridge. Whoops.

Resolution

First of all, I really suck at this whole blog thing. I think it's partially because nothing exciting ever happens in my life. That's probably a good thing, but for my blog, not so much. However, I'm not in the mood to keep doing homework, so I'm doing this tonight instead.

In the spirit of the new year, I've made some resolutions....I don't like to do resolutions ever because I really suck on follow through, but in the spirit of self-reflection, I'm gonna do it.

Resolution 1: Stop being such a fatass (and I mean that in the nicest way possible). I honestly don't think of myself as a fatass, but I could lose a few pounds and be a bit healthier. I'm pretty ok with my body. I mean, I'm no Heidi Klum, but I really like my body. I'm proud of my curves and I like the way I look (most days). But I am bigger than I should be for my height, and my eating habits are disgusting. I love macaroni and cheese, I have an unhealthy obsession with Dr. Pepper, and I would pick chocolate over grapes any day. So I'm making changes. I'm working out...legitimately. I've stopped buying soda and I'm trying to do the whole "drink water" thing that everyone is so big on. So we'll see how that goes. I just need to get in shape!

Resolution 2: Take risks. I know you're thinking "really, Sarah. You? Take risks?" Yeah, I get that. Hence the resolution. I need to sometimes pull my head out of my ass, stop playing it safe, and be spontaneous. (side note: every time I say any form of the word "spontaneous" I'm taken back to my 8th grade spelling bee where I couldn't spell the word spontaneity out loud. I still can't. Anyway...) I want to learn to enjoy life, not be so planned out, and start realizing that no matter how well I plan something, something else happens anyway. Live a little, damnit.

Resolution 3: Take care of myself. My program preaches the need of self-care, and I seem to have a problem with that. I don't like to go to sleep at night, I don't eat well (as previously discussed) my apartment is always in shambles, and I feel sick a lot because I'm not taking care of myself. So I'm making it my goal to get things done ahead of time so I don't get so stressed doing last minute stuff. So far, it's been working out pretty well, but the semester is just beginning. I just cleaned my whole apartment and my goal is to not let it get so gross again. I don't like being gross, but sometimes it happens. So, this one could be the game changer. If I start taking care of my things, maybe I'll start taking better care of myself, no? Probably a good philosophy.

Enough of the resolutions. I've been feeling very philosophical lately....sometimes I get in these moods where I just want to figure out the world. Recently, I've been struggling with this weird feeling that this is my world and everyone else is just living in it. That sounds really selfish and that is not what I'm meaning. It's actually kind of lonely. It's weird, like my whole life is this figment of my imagination. But then I think, if that were true, I really wouldn't have made it this hard on myself!! So clearly, I snap out of that stuff pretty quick. I've also gotten really interested in my own morals and values. We talk a lot in class about how a person's beliefs shape how they interact with people, and I've really began to dig into what I actually believe in, and this is causing a little bit of internal confusion. I've always felt pretty solid in what I believe, but since I have adopted a more religiously "neutral" outlook on life, I'm not sure where my morals are grounded anymore. There are certain religous rules around love, sex, proper human interaction....just about everything you can think of. But when you start to doubt the religious underpinnings of many rules held by society, you start to wonder what's holding you to these morals. No, this is not me abandoning my morals by any means, but I'm starting to really figure out why I believe in what I believe in. It's kind of this weird morality limbo. It's a strange place to be, but I like figuring it all out.

So with all of that....I'm hoping for big things this year. Usually I don't like to get my hopes up, but I'm thinking, if I don't, what am I living for?! So I'm thinking, maybe this is the year that I will learn how to cook? Maybe this is the year I will find love? Maybe this is the year I will learn to live life to the fullest? Who knows!? But I'm kind of excited to see where it goes. It's already been a pretty great year, just spending time with my friends and my family. I'm hoping it continues.

To wrap up this moderately depressing post, some songs you should be aware of right now: We Found Love, by Boyce Avenue (originally by Rihanna) and My Heart With You, by The Rescues. So. Good.  I guess my musical obsession has also gotten me a little more excited about this year. Thank God for music.