I recently remembered that I have (had?) a blog, and I felt like maybe I should add an updated post about my life...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Turns out, I came back and it's been exactly one year since my last post. Good timing, no? Apparently my weird pseudo-psychic abilities are coming out again. Anyway, I'm a bit rusty and probably less funny, but I find myself with a lot to say and nowhere else to put it.
Right now, I'm laying in my bed in Omaha, getting ready to go back to school for my final semester, finish my hours and my final papers, and (most excitingly) transitioning out of my offsite. A year ago today I was sitting in Omaha during my week off of school, getting ready to start my offsite and take on a massive client load. I had no idea what I was getting into. Sure I was nervous (read: fucking terrified), but I really had no conception of what exactly I would learn about myself, life, and the world over the course of this year. I've heard some of the most horrifying stories of drugs, violence, fear, and failed relationships and it's caused me to lose sleep and worry and be anxious for the lives and safety of people who are not even my nearest or dearest. But I've also seen some of the deepest strength and hope in people who shouldn't have any after what they have been through. I've seen successes and I've seen failure. I've seen people fight for their strongest convictions and I've been so unimaginably impressed by both my clients who live these lives and my coworkers who do this work every day, day in and day out. I've learned to value those people who mean something to me. I've learned to love those that I love with everything I have, because I have been blessed to be able to love completely and not live in fear. I am grateful for the things I have learned through this internship; as a therapist, a partner, and a human being. But I am SO READY to be done, it's not even funny.
Aside from work...this year has had its share of ups and downs. Just a few short months after my last post, Granny quickly became very sick and even quicker, passed away. I almost feel like I'm getting really good at losing grandparents (sick as that sounds), as this is my third. However, it doesn't get easier. Even sitting here writing this causes all the emotion to swell up and my eyes to, well - well up. I've been trying to figure out how to write this paragraph for 40 minutes. There aren't words to explain what it's like to not only lose someone who means so much to you, but to watch those you care about most hurt so deeply and feel pain that you know there is no way to comfort. At this point in my life, death is so different. I was in 5th grade when we lost Zada...I remember the feeling of loss but I was so young that it almost didn't seem real (I can still remember every single thing that happened that day, though). Losing Baba was not the same. I was in high school. I knew she was sick. This time, I understood what cancer was. I knew how quickly it could take someone, and recognized the significance of not only losing the person, but also losing the relationship. I never got to see her before she died. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't even see the pain she was in. Her death stung anyway, and stings even to this day. I miss them both all the time. And now Granny. This time it was its own experience. I was with my mom the second we got the phone call that she was in the hospital. I knew what hospice meant. I was able to see her before she passed, and I just remember the pain in her eyes. In those moments, you don't even know what to say. The last time I said goodbye, I said "thank you for everything you've taught me" and I meant it. It was the best I could come up with. I'm sure if I had more time or more composure, I could have thought of something better. But I didn't. Her reply? "I'm glad you've used it." I bet she meant it too. Those words will stick with me...Even the day she died, I knew it was coming. The night before I started feeling pain in my lungs (where her cancer was). I had a dream that she passed. The next morning, the pain continued until about halfway through breakfast. After breakfast, I got the call that it had happened. I still have the voicemail from my mom. My pseudo-psychic came out again. I almost felt the relief she must have felt after dealing with what she was going through. I know she's in a better place, but it's still hard. And writing this has almost felt like catharsis for me. I have been telling myself for almost a year that I don't feel like her death has hit me yet. Well, now it's hit me. It's hard to even fathom that I only have one grandparent left. I feel honored to have known all four of mine, but to have lost three in my lifetime has been a tremendous challenge. It has really forced me to accept the reality that I won't have any grandparents at some point in my future (God-willing a long time from now), and that my parents will not be around forever. It's terrifying. I'm scared to be alone in this world. It's scary not having siblings and wondering what will happen in my family in the future. Someday, I'm going to be it, and that's frightening. Here I go, catastrophizing as usual, but I feel like I now have this new, adult view of the world that includes loss. Because of this, I just want to remember the love and the lessons I have learned from all of these incredible individuals and I hope to carry on their legacy in myself and my future family.
Like I said earlier, there have also been some pretty incredible ups this year. My last post talked about meeting a guy who was pretty great any my new boyfriend. Well, now he's my old boyfriend :) We've been together over a year and I've never been happier. I can honestly say I've never been in a relationship where I feel so loved and supported, and I actually didn't think it was possible. As previous posts have shown, I have a lot of doubts when it comes to relationships being successful. I basically never thought that someone would put up with me...and all of me...the hyper-dramatic, dweeby, loud, and profane parts of myself that I only share with my nearest and dearest (lies; everyone knows those things about me). But those are things that not a lot of people would necessarily say they want in a partner. But he does. For some reason, who I am works pretty well with who he is. And I know he loves me. I actually feel comfortable and confident in who I am in this relationship. I'm not hiding anything. It's pretty awesome. I'm hoping that this keeps working for a long, long time, and I'm just incredibly lucky to feel the way I do right now. Especially this year, with all of the trials and tribulations, he has kept me focused on what is important and put up with my roller-coaster emotions. He's gotten me through the tough stuff and keeps loving me anyway. I'm pretty thankful he's in my life. Who would have thought online dating could have been so successful?! I guess it shows I need to take more risks in life....
Basically, I can't believe where my life has gone in a single year. I feel like I know both more and less than I did a year ago, and I can't wait to keep learning what life has to teach me. I can't believe I'm staying in Oklahoma (I remember saying no man will ever keep me in this godforsaken state...serves me right to open my mouth and say something like that). I can't believe I'm almost ready to graduate with my master's degree. I can't believe that I'm still driving that crappy civic. And most of all, I can't believe how happy and excited for the future I am. Real life is almost starting, and I'm so ready.
Looking back, I'm laughing because after all this time, I'm literally doing the same things I was doing a year ago at my last blog posts: eating too much food, putting off things I should be doing instead, and not sleeping at reasonable hours even though I'm fighting this ridiculous sinus infection that is causing my lungs to do things I didn't think were possible. Currently, I'm still watching the last season of Smash and again listening to the new The Civil Wars album, which you should all listen to. Apparently, you all are, because I had to go to three stores before I could even find a copy. I have barely listened to three songs and I've already been moved to tears. So friggen good. I will be devastated if they can't work out their shit and get back together. I've gotten to the point of the evening (er, morning) where I forgot why I began writing this post and don't remember what I've written. I'm sure I've missed things, but I think I've hit the important stuff. Hopefully this post will hold up for another year or so, or until the next time I remember that I have a blog....
