Tough Love

I can't believe how weird free time feels. And how little I remember how to handle it. The sleeping in part I was ok with, then I ran errands which was awesome (oil change, campus, old navy - I saved $105 today, my receipt told me. Pretty big win!), and then I got home and got BORED. I cleaned the apartment, caught up on some stuff on the DVR, read a Cosmo, tried to cook red beans and rice and sausage - complete fail, I couldn't figure out how to cook sausage, the rice was crunchy....gross, but it wasted an hour - I even did tons of sit ups and push ups to kill time, and then I ran out of things to occupy my time. Now I'm marathoning Tough Love from VH1, for one because I think the host is cute and right some of the time and seems to know cute guys; and two, because I wish someone would slap me in the face with things I need to work on about myself sometimes!

As I say that, I realize that in this program, I am having to become more aware of myself, my family, my shortcomings, and my strengths than I ever have before. Talking about certain parts of my past have brought back some really dark memories and some bad times, and I've been in kind of a bad place for the past week or so. I'm definitely getting better, but I hate going back there. I'm so proud of who I am today, and I know I wouldn't be here without all of the parts of my past, I just hate thinking about it. But, if I'm going to survive in this program (read: life) I'm going to have to figure out how to be in those places and work with it and recognize who I've been and how that helps who I am. I've always felt that I've known who I am, but I think being here - away from my family and the things and places I know - has really solidified these ideas. But I'm learning to incorporate those things that I don't like about myself and figuring out how to accept them and possibly change/make them work for me. I mean, seriously, I'm a weirdo. I'm loud. I don't eat the crust of my pizza. I apologize way too much, mostly due to my fear of rejection, but also because I don't want to hurt people. I love quickly, unapologetically, and hard. I really like things to go my way, and being right (only child syndrome?), but I'm really learning quickly to get over that shit. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love scary movies. I'm afraid of letting go and being out of control. I hate repetitive noises. I'm a terrible cook, but a pretty good baker. I overshare...about everything. I am not good at lying. And if you add those last two together, you could find out some really awkward things about me if you tried :)

Ok, I know all of that sounded like an Alanis Morissette song, but it's my blog so deal with it. But really, one of the biggest things I've learned about myself recently is that I am strong. I am a strong, independent woman. I am determined, and I really can do anything I set my mind to, and I have. There's a lot of things that scare me, and half of the time I feel incompetent, but I've done a lot and I just have to keep trying. And I need to figure out how to make all of this weirdness work for me. And I will. Luckily, I've found people here that support me. People that I've only known for three months but who have shown me unconditional love and support and it's been amazing. These people have helped me remember that I don't need to dwell in the past, but to realize where it has gotten me...and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm incredibly thankful for these people, this program, this time and place.

Speaking of Thanksgiving...literally three days from now I will be laying in my bed in my mom's house, all of my best friends will be in the same city for a very brief time. Since all of my shitty papers are done, I can finally get excited and now I can't stop thinking about just how excited I am to be with the people I love the most in this world. I am not excited to spend 16 hours in the car, but I am excited that I get company for like 11 of those hours! I'm hoping for an excuse to wear the hot new jeans I bought with some hooker shoes, but who knows where this weekend will take me. Likely, I will just end up in sweatpants with the basement club, and the hot jeans and hooker shoes will have to wait until I'm back in Stillwater, and that will be alright. I just want to be in Omaha for a little bit. Eat some Pepperjax. Cuddle with my cat. Hug the crap out of some people. Even writing about it is making me far too pumped to want to do anything productive the next few days. But I will, cause I have to.

Anyway, that was a lot of my brain just going nuts...some dumb thoughts to end this post with: I finally got an OSU sticker to put on my car....now it is kind of official that I go here. Also, the light right outside of my front door, which is solar and turns on/off whenever it wants to, is now flickering - murder house style - so every time I come home at night I'm afraid I'm going to get knifed in slow-motion. Blame the scary movies. Song(s) I'm currently obsessed with: Actually, any song by Cory Chisel and the Wandering Sons. Just youtube him. He's so sexy. Plus, the songs are incredible. Also, now that I have a CD player in my car, I'm willing to accept mix CDs as bribes for just about anything. Happy Thanksgiving!