Get Right to the Heart of Matters

(So this post was delayed because my computer died and then I forgot for a few days that this even happened. Oops.)

I'm baaaack....

That was supposed to be in scary movie voice, in case you couldn't tell by the overuse of the letter "a." I figured since I decided to do this blog in the first place in order to keep myself sane through grad school, I should probably post some kind of wrap-up. So the most important piece of information... 

I GRADUATED!

Fucking yay!

Seriously doubted the possibility of that more than 100 times throughout the course of the program, and sometimes I still can't believe it's actually happened after all this time, but...I finished my creative component, passed my capstone, got 500 client hours, and got my Master's degree! And now I am NEVER going back to school again.

NEVER.

People keep asking if I want a PhD. No. N.O. Not at all. I was burned out of school before college. Then I kept at it for 6.5 years. I am so done. I don't need to be a Dr. I literally have never had a desire. Plus, with the amount of student loan debt I've managed to build over that time, I'll be paying for the education I did get for probably the rest of my life, so let's not add any more to that.

So, now here I am. It's mid-march, I just turned 25 and I'm struggling to find a job. Hoping to find something soon, but I've only really been looking and applying for about a month, so I'm trying not to panic. Probably going to do something part time until I can find something I really want....I am just beginning to feel a little useless. I've never had problems finding jobs (usually I have 2-3 at one time), so being unemployed just feels really icky to me. 

Regardless, I took a month off to go back home, rest, spend time with family and friends, and help my mom do a bunch of stuff around the house....painted my room from my teenage blue to a more neutral, "grown up" tan. Lame. Growing up is overrated...I liked the blue ;); we put together a new desk and went through a bunch of old boxes and found some hilarious childhood memories (e.g. when I was in Kindergarten they asked what my favorite snack was...in true fat kid fashion, I answered "all of them." I also answered that my favorite hobby was sleeping. Clearly, not much has changed). It was so nice to just be home and take some time to myself to just enjoy being, without bills or stress or adulthood. For some reason, that all goes away when you're at home. Also, mom and I painted and drank wine...it was incredibly fun and I hope to do it again!! (We're so talented)

So...after graduation and being home, Derek and I got our first place together in Edmond, OK. Moving was quite an experience...pretty sure I simultaneously laughed and cried at least twice. But we had awesome help from Derek's sister and her boyfriend, and we really could not have done it without them. It's so nice to have family that is close on both sides! Subsequently found out I had accumulated so much shit over the past 2.5 years and crammed it into that hellhole of an apartment...so we're in the process now of refinishing some furniture and getting ready to donate a ton of stuff, and soon our apartment will be complete! Gave up on cleaning the old place and just left it...and they gave me the entire deposit back. There are literally 4 inch holes burned into the kitchen floor....but they said there was no damage (wtf? Apparently they chose not to open the door. I'll take it.)

Oh, another momentous occasion I can't believe I haven't mentioned yet....Thor has moved on....to a new owner. I got a new car! 

Look at that hood...and the peeling paint that looks like Tiger claw marks.

Oh, Thor.

So now I have a Toyota Corolla, and a car payment. Welcome again to adulthood. It's pretty cool, though, going from a car with 170,000 miles to a car with 8. Literally, just 8. And it works. And the windows roll themselves up and down! It's the little things ;) I still don't believe it's real, but I'm finally getting better at parking. Had to get an OK license and OK plates...so that was weird. But other than that, my car is great!

Still unnamed. Probably suffering an identity crisis.

Anyway, back to life now. Since moving, I've thoroughly enjoyed having stores to go to. I've literally gone to Bed, Bath, and Beyond just to walk around. It's shameful. And restaurants. There are choices here. It's pretty nice. We don't go out much, since Derek doesn't get home until late on weeknights and also, I'm unemployed, but we've tried to go to new places and had some really good experiences (Go to Whiskey Cake. Never have I made so many inappropriate noises eating a chicken sandwich.) Plus, I get to be a part of Nerd Night, which may be the highlight of my life (clearly, unemployment is making me delusional). But really, I get to hang out with a bunch of boys and play video games or do other nerdy things once a week. It's the best....takes me back to Friday nights in Stillwater during the early parts of my program playing World of Darkness with my fellow nerds. Being a grown-up can actually be awesome...

Well, it's almost four in the morning on a Thursday, my new upstairs neighbors are currently slamming shit and yelling, and I'm having a hard time getting in a real person schedule. So...not much has changed in the past few years. Also, if I see another Mary Fallin commercial on Hulu I'm gonna punch something...it's been every commercial break for the last two hours, which is not helping my disdain for this state. 

I don't have any songs to post because now that my car gets radio stations, I've just been listening to a lot of that instead of finding new things for my playlists...hopefully I'll get back to that.

This may be my last post, or it may not. I may get a wild hair in a year or so and add an update to my life...it's been an interesting path for this blog...as I got further into my program and more comfortable with my life in Stillwater, I posted less and less? Either way, I'm still stuck somewhere in middle America...at least for now :)

One Year Later

I recently remembered that I have (had?) a blog, and I felt like maybe I should add an updated post about my life...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Turns out, I came back and it's been exactly one year since my last post. Good timing, no? Apparently my weird pseudo-psychic abilities are coming out again. Anyway, I'm a bit rusty and probably less funny, but I find myself with a lot to say and nowhere else to put it.

Right now, I'm laying in my bed in Omaha, getting ready to go back to school for my final semester, finish my hours and my final papers, and (most excitingly) transitioning out of my offsite. A year ago today I was sitting in Omaha during my week off of school, getting ready to start my offsite and take on a massive client load. I had no idea what I was getting into. Sure I was nervous (read: fucking terrified), but I really had no conception of what exactly I would learn about myself, life, and the world over the course of this year. I've heard some of the most horrifying stories of drugs, violence, fear, and failed relationships and it's caused me to lose sleep and worry and be anxious for the lives and safety of people who are not even my nearest or dearest. But I've also seen some of the deepest strength and hope in people who shouldn't have any after what they have been through. I've seen successes and I've seen failure. I've seen people fight for their strongest convictions and I've been so unimaginably impressed by both my clients who live these lives and my coworkers who do this work every day, day in and day out. I've learned to value those people who mean something to me. I've learned to love those that I love with everything I have, because I have been blessed to be able to love completely and not live in fear. I am grateful for the things I have learned through this internship; as a therapist, a partner, and a human being. But I am SO READY to be done, it's not even funny.

Aside from work...this year has had its share of ups and downs. Just a few short months after my last post, Granny quickly became very sick and even quicker, passed away. I almost feel like I'm getting really good at losing grandparents (sick as that sounds), as this is my third. However, it doesn't get easier. Even sitting here writing this causes all the emotion to swell up and my eyes to, well - well up. I've been trying to figure out how to write this paragraph for 40 minutes. There aren't words to explain what it's like to not only lose someone who means so much to you, but to watch those you care about most hurt so deeply and feel pain that you know there is no way to comfort. At this point in my life, death is so different. I was in 5th grade when we lost Zada...I remember the feeling of loss but I was so young that it almost didn't seem real (I can still remember every single thing that happened that day, though). Losing Baba was not the same. I was in high school. I knew she was sick. This time, I understood what cancer was. I knew how quickly it could take someone, and recognized the significance of not only losing the person, but also losing the relationship. I never got to see her before she died. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't even see the pain she was in. Her death stung anyway, and stings even to this day. I miss them both all the time. And now Granny. This time it was its own experience. I was with my mom the second we got the phone call that she was in the hospital. I knew what hospice meant. I was able to see her before she passed, and I just remember the pain in her eyes. In those moments, you don't even know what to say. The last time I said goodbye, I said "thank you for everything you've taught me" and I meant it. It was the best I could come up with. I'm sure if I had more time or more composure, I could have thought of something better. But I didn't. Her reply? "I'm glad you've used it." I bet she meant it too. Those words will stick with me...Even the day she died, I knew it was coming. The night before I started feeling pain in my lungs (where her cancer was). I had a dream that she passed. The next morning, the pain continued until about halfway through breakfast. After breakfast, I got the call that it had happened. I still have the voicemail from my mom. My pseudo-psychic came out again. I almost felt the relief she must have felt after dealing with what she was going through. I know she's in a better place, but it's still hard. And writing this has almost felt like catharsis for me. I have been telling myself for almost a year that I don't feel like her death has hit me yet. Well, now it's hit me. It's hard to even fathom that I only have one grandparent left. I feel honored to have known all four of mine, but to have lost three in my lifetime has been a tremendous challenge. It has really forced me to accept the reality that I won't have any grandparents at some point in my future (God-willing a long time from now), and that my parents will not be around forever. It's terrifying. I'm scared to be alone in this world. It's scary not having siblings and wondering what will happen in my family in the future. Someday, I'm going to be it, and that's frightening. Here I go, catastrophizing as usual, but I feel like I now have this new, adult view of the world that includes loss. Because of this, I just want to remember the love and the lessons I have learned from all of these incredible individuals and I hope to carry on their legacy in myself and my future family. 

Like I said earlier, there have also been some pretty incredible ups this year. My last post talked about meeting a guy who was pretty great any my new boyfriend. Well, now he's my old boyfriend :) We've been together over a year and I've never been happier. I can honestly say I've never been in a relationship where I feel so loved and supported, and I actually didn't think it was possible. As previous posts have shown, I have a lot of doubts when it comes to relationships being successful. I basically never thought that someone would put up with me...and all of me...the hyper-dramatic, dweeby, loud, and profane parts of myself that I only share with my nearest and dearest (lies; everyone knows those things about me). But those are things that not a lot of people would necessarily say they want in a partner. But he does. For some reason, who I am works pretty well with who he is. And I know he loves me. I actually feel comfortable and confident in who I am in this relationship. I'm not hiding anything. It's pretty awesome. I'm hoping that this keeps working for a long, long time, and I'm just incredibly lucky to feel the way I do right now. Especially this year, with all of the trials and tribulations, he has kept me focused on what is important and put up with my roller-coaster emotions. He's gotten me through the tough stuff and keeps loving me anyway. I'm pretty thankful he's in my life. Who would have thought online dating could have been so successful?! I guess it shows I need to take more risks in life....

Basically, I can't believe where my life has gone in a single year. I feel like I know both more and less than I did a year ago, and I can't wait to keep learning what life has to teach me. I can't believe I'm staying in Oklahoma (I remember saying no man will ever keep me in this godforsaken state...serves me right to open my mouth and say something like that). I can't believe I'm almost ready to graduate with my master's degree. I can't believe that I'm still driving that crappy civic. And most of all, I can't believe how happy and excited for the future I am. Real life is almost starting, and I'm so ready. 

Looking back, I'm laughing because after all this time, I'm literally doing the same things I was doing a year ago at my last blog posts: eating too much food, putting off things I should be doing instead, and not sleeping at reasonable hours even though I'm fighting this ridiculous sinus infection that is causing my lungs to do things I didn't think were possible. Currently, I'm still watching the last season of Smash and again listening to the new The Civil Wars album, which you should all listen to. Apparently, you all are, because I had to go to three stores before I could even find a copy. I have barely listened to three songs and I've already been moved to tears. So friggen good. I will be devastated if they can't work out their shit and get back together. I've gotten to the point of the evening (er, morning) where I forgot why I began writing this post and don't remember what I've written. I'm sure I've missed things, but I think I've hit the important stuff. Hopefully this post will hold up for another year or so, or until the next time I remember that I have a blog....

Drive

It's been about three months since my last post...chalk that up to having a life, I guess :) It's finally a break from school where I don't actually have anything to do...no homework, no reading, no projects. It's amazing. I feel like such a schlub, though, I haven't really done anything. And by that, I just mean I've been able to sleep in some days and lay in my pajamas for hours. I have, in fact, been to the dentist (twice), taken my cat to the vet, met my best friend's new boyfriend, and gotten a hair cut. But I've also watched about 3000 hours of the Olympics, played some serious catch-up with the DVR, eaten nothing but shit that is making my body hate me, and laughed so hard with my mom that I forget we're not the only two people in the world (creepy? Most likely.) It's been a pretty awesome week, and I've loved every minute.

Embarrassing update for this post (you're pretty much guaranteed one every time, especially if I keep procrastinating blogging like this): If you haven't heard of my car drama up to this point, you are probably not really my friend. But anyway, I'm going to tell you this little story about what happens when you blow the engine of your Honda on the side of the interstate. Last time I was home (for my best friend's wedding, which was epic in case you were curious) I had to drive back on a Tuesday for class on Wednesday. I was planning on being home by like 8:30. I had made it through the bulk of my drive, past Wichita and into the home stretch. My car had felt a little funky around Salina, but it always runs a little bit sub-par, so I let it go. However, at one point I was pressing on the accelerator and slowing down at the same time (that's not supposed to happen, right?) and it started chugging, so I pulled off onto the side of the interstate and shut off my car. And then the oil debacle began. My oil runs out all the time so I figured I'd check it. Do you know how hard it is to refill the oil in your car on the side of the interstate when semis drive by and the wind comes sweeping down the plane? REALLY HARD. My funnel blew out of my hand. I had to chase it across two lanes. Luckily, there wasn't traffic so it wasn't unsafe, I swear. Get the funnel in. Wind blows as I'm pouring and splashes oil all over the front of my car. Whoops. Ok, so oil is filled. Get back in the car, turn on car. Nothing happens. All sorts of lights suddenly turn on for the first time ever. Awesome. Car is dead. Commence sobbing. I then become the awkward girl on the side of the car sitting in the drivers seat with her head on the steering wheel crying. Ok, fast forward. I call AAA, they keep asking me for my exact location. Of course my phone isn't working and I'm surrounded by nothing but grass. It took them an hour to find me and it was approximately 106 degrees. The tow truck shows and tells me that he's not sure the truck is gonna make it. Turns out this wasn't a joke, I'm pretty sure the tow truck nearly died about 14 times. Hills were scary. We couldn't accelerate above 50. It took two hours to drive 84 miles. And he chain smoked and blared Christian rock the whole way. But he was really nice and a little chatty so it wasn't awful. So I had to get a new engine to resurrect Thor, but he is currently mostly functioning, so I am driving again.

Anyway, enough bullshit. It's been a crazy few months. I got to come home a bunch for Katie's wedding, which was incredible. I guess I'm at that age where my friends start getting married...crazy! But I am so excited for her and it was such a fun weekend :) One of my other best friends moved to New York City, so this break I only got to see two of my best friends, but I'm so excited I got to see them both!! I've started seeing my own clients at the clinic, which is both awesome and terrifying...I finally had that moment where I really felt like I could be a therapist, which was incredibly necessary at this point, because I was really starting to have doubts. And since we start offsites next week, it is pretty good timing. It's crazy that in like a week I'm going to be a second year. Jesus. Time friggen flies.

Update on the online dating situation....there were many more creeps. I had one guy want to bring me into his polyamorous love group. No thanks, sir. There was another guy who was about 40 who wanted me to be the mother of his 11 year old twins. Gross. Then there was this guy who told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd seen in all of the internet. Flattering, but hella creepy...and really, not that flattering. But honestly, like a week after my last post a really great guy started talking to me and now he's my boyfriend :) And I started a bunch of other people onto online dating and they're all in relationships with them now, so I guess I could be considered a trendsetter?! I really didn't think anything good would come from that, but for now, I'm pretty psyched with how things are going, and so as not to embarrass him, I'm going to stop there. But I guess we can call that experiment a success at this point!

Tomorrow I get to go to friend wedding number 2 of the year in Hastings....pretty excited to go, it's gonna be a really fun time! I'm bummed to lose out on a few days at home, though, but I'll get over it. Then it's immediately into training for my offsite for a full week before classes. Gross. It's gonna be nuts. Oh, the joys of growing up. A friend of mine recently decided that I have something called "short end of the stick" syndrome, where I just find myself on the losing end of many stupid battles. I found this both hilarious and appropriate, and I want that to be an actual thing now. Anyway, my current song obsessions are I've Got This Friend by the Civil Wars (I can't get enough of them) and Can't Help Falling in Love by Ingrid Michaelson. I listened to them about 100 times on the drive up here and I can't stop. I also got a bunch of music from my Uncle Jason the last time I was in Des Moines and I'm working my way through that, but I'm newly obsessed with older jazz musicians now...so take in some of that if you can :)

Ok...Cupid?

I'm pretty sure I am not a blogger; I have a hard time keeping up. Obviously. I also feel like lately, I haven't had anything interesting to say. Grad school has basically consumed my soul...and I knew it would, but it still sucks. Right now, I'm procrastinating homework I shouldn't have because I'm in my "summer break," but of course that's not a real thing in grad school. I'm also counting down the hours until I get to go home for my actual week off of school (approximately 28, in case you were wondering). But, I'm bored and sunburned so my position on the couch hasn't changed for the past 4 hours and I felt like I should blog some of my more recent thoughts. It's another one about love (hey, blame my day job). Get ready. But first, a quote from the show Smash that made me miss my Baba more than anything: "Jews don't sing and pray....they complain. And eat." That may seem weird, but I just miss my Baba every day and I can imagine having the conversations I'm having with myself in this blog with her on her lanai in Florida drinking wine and running our fingers around the top of the glasses. She was a great lady and I wish terribly she was still in my life. Thinking of you, Baba.

I want to preface whatever may come out of my head and my fingers by stating that I do believe in love. With all of my heart. Sometimes it may seem that this is not the case, but it is. So don't doubt that. I just have a lot of other things I'm not sure of. And that is the point of this post.

Ok, so here goes...my first thought. I'm not sure how I feel about marriage as an institution. I mean, let's face it, I want one. I'm a typical hopeless romantic woman; I'm hoping that one day I get proposed to and get to plan a big wedding with all of my loved ones and enter into the newness of a marriage relationship with someone. However, blame it on my life's experience, but I'm just not sure that human beings are monogamous people for the duration of life. Lives are longer than they ever have been, and I wonder if it is really possible to stay in love with someone for 50+ years. I mean, I want to be in a relationship with passion and excitement, and I know this takes work in a committed relationship; I'm just not sure if there is any way to maintain it in a long-term setting. Maybe because I haven't seen first-hand a real-life relationship that has lasted happily and passionately for any length of time. Relationships can last for tons of years; that doesn't mean people are happy in them. And in the profession I'm studying right now, I'm seeing first-hand how many relationships genuinely suck. And I wonder, do we all just settle because we are, as a society, expected to get married and procreate? Would we all be better off without this pressure, committing to relationships for shorter periods of time, but committing to different people as our interests and personalities develop? Who knows?

I also really wonder if I've had my chance at love and lost it. Now don't judge me if you're reading this, these are just thoughts I've had. I was with someone once who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. If, in fact, we are supposed to be with one person for the rest of our life, what if that was my one chance and I missed it? I mean, I'm not saying that I want to go back to him or anything (and if he's reading this...thank you for everything you taught me about myself and relationships, I hope you're doing well), but I wonder if that was my one shot and I didn't try hard enough to make it work. What if it was? Does that mean I'm doomed to wander the planet looking for someone who doesn't exist? Or are there multiple people we're meant to be with at different times in our lives for different reasons? If so, that explains that relationship...I learned things about myself and what I am looking for, I learned lessons about life and love, and I definitely grew as a person. I know I'm better for being in that relationship, as I am for being in all of my previous relationships. So hopefully there's still a chance for me out there somewhere.

As far as that goes, I'm trying to take my love life in my own hands. I started the "online dating" thing...so far it's been pretty lame. I've been talked to by mostly super creeps, so my expectations are not super high. But who knows. It's pretty hard to meet people here with my life being so stressful, so this is the best I can do. I always told myself I would never do that, but I also always told myself I'd never do something where I wasn't around males....too bad I did that one bigtime. So I'm willing to try anything...put myself out there. I'm sure I will blog about updates with that....don't you all worry. I already have some pretty ridiculous stories. Why are there so many weirdos? Don't say "because it's online dating" because I know there are good people out there and good people who online date (i.e. me and some of my friends). I'm still holding out hope. And I've only been on for less than a week, so I'm going to attempt to be patient, no matter how much I suck at it.

I'm blaming the recent upswing in my interest in dating on school. I spend all day every day talking about relationships and hearing about relationships and watching relationsips. Sue me that I now kind of want one too. I'm not in any hurry to get married (because let's face it, I'm selfish and I'm really enjoying living by myself) but it would be really nice to have someone to hang out with. Also, the bible belt is tough on 20 somethings who aren't married. I had a conversation with my cousin recently and it was one of the best conversations I've had in a long time...it's hard to have deep conversations sometimes, but she's someone I trust more than just about anyone and I really valued the time I had to talk to her. She reassured me in my struggles and my fears about life, love, and being a single girl in OK. It was unreal how much it helped to hear that I'm not the first person who is feeling all of the things that I am feeling. I know that's stupid to say, because God knows that half the world is probably right there with me, but it's always nice to know that someone you know has actually been there too. Thank God for my family. Seriously, I love them.

Well enough of all that. Something super positive that's happened in the last week....I bought a swimsuit. It's probably the first swimsuit I've ever owned that I feel good in. Society pretty much tells us that women like me are not supposed to feel sexy in swimsuits, and I've pretty much agreed for most of my life. But, I bought this swimsuit and I feel like the sexiest woman that ever was. It's like 50s style and I love it. I wore it with pride on Monday. It was an amazing feeling. I mean, it sucked in all the right things, it held in all the right things, and it is actually pretty freaking cute. So count that as a win. The not cute thing is that I only put sunscreen on my face and I have 2nd degree burns on 50% of my body. Not so sexy....and incredibly painful. But it was worth it...almost :) I've tried just about every home remedy to make the pain go away, and it turns out that the one I've liked the best has actually been the potato. I have actually been rubbing a potato on my sunburn and it's the biggest relief I've had in two days. So bizarre, but I'm a new proponent of the potato method.

I'm going to stop now because this is getting long...but as always, I want to leave you with some songs I'm loving at this moment. Try Falling or Tip of My Tongue by The Civil Wars, or The A Team or Fall by Ed Sheeran. He's this crazy redheaded dude from England with an incredible voice. They're all pretty angsty or have to deal with love, but I don't care, I'm loving them right now. I've also been going back to the 90s a ton...there were some really good 69 cent 90s songs on itunes this month...so check that out if you're interested. That's all I've got!

Living In The Moment

Apparently, I forgot I had a blog. Which doesn't surprise me, I've been forgetting lots of things lately...my brain is completely fried. For instance, these two burn marks:

Yes, those are grill marks on the palm of my hand, because I grabbed my George Foreman by the grill plates a few weeks ago. Evidently, I just forgot those heat up when you plug it in. This was taken pretty soon after the incident, so they are better now, but there is definite scarring. So that's cool; I have yet another scar that is in no way badass, and is in fact a result of my own stupidity.

Lucky for me, the semester will be over in two weeks and I will get a little baby summer which I am completely excited about. (a "welcome to my brain" update: I just reread this sentence and I thought it said I will get a little baby this summer...so for those of you who read that, that is not what I said, I will in no way be receiving a little baby this summer).

Now, an update on previous posts. Thinking back to my New Year's resolutions...most of those are a complete fail. I have not kept up on cleaning my place....I actually did pretty well until about mid-march when I got busy and my personal goals went to shit, as they usually do when I get stressed. I have not stopped eating like a gross-nasty. I've gotten better, as in I've initiated fruits and vegetables into my diet, but I still need to improve. Hopefully in two weeks when I can get focused on something that is not homework or grading papers I can get better on both of those things, but until then, I will keep up my gross habits :)

A lot has happened since my last post...I turned 23, which was uneventful in and of itself, but my birthday celebrations were pretty fantastic. I got to celebrate with my OKC family the Sunday before, and the word incredible does not begin to describe how they made me feel. I know I say this all the time, but being an only child, it is such a wonderful feeling to feel like you have brothers and sisters and little children that you've never experienced before. And they just welcome me into their hearts...I really am fortunate to have such amazing people so close to where I am. I also got to spend the evening of my actual birthday enjoying libations (read: getting slightly hammered, something slightly out of the ordinary for me) with all of my closest friends in Stillwater. It was such a fun night, and once again I feel pretty great to have such good people in my life. I spent the whole night laughing and enjoying myself and realizing I have great friends that let me make a fool of myself and still be my friend afterward!

I also got my first parking ticket ever, thanks to OSU having people who are constantly checking parking permits. I really don't think this happened at Creighton, but then again, I never broke parking rules at Creighton (nerd alert) so that may have had something to do with it, too. It was the day before my birthday, a little bday surprise from the man, I guess. No big deal, $20 fine and I'll be more careful with my parking (except that was sarcasm and I will still park illegally).

I got my headboard and my curtains put together in my bedroom (again, with the help of my incredible family)....and if I do say so myself, it looks pretty fantastic. There is still a curtain shortage, so it looks a little empty, but very soon that will be taken care of and it will be perfect. Here, lookey lookey:

Ignore the glare of the light...it was the best I could do. I'm pretty pumped about it, and it's just so me. So geometric. And I left off most of the pillows so you could get the full effect of the headboard, but imagine it with all the pillows! Ah, happiness. And yet another picture of my apartment...you readers have almost had the full tour now in only two pictures.

However, the biggest change of all is that I'm actually SEEING CLIENTS. Like real people are coming to me with problems and expecting me to solve them. While this is super exciting, it's also incredibly terrifying. I still feel like I haven't quite found my footing or who I am when I'm in the room. I know (read: hope) this will come with time and practice, but it's still hard to feel any sort of confidence that I can help these people when I don't even have confidence in myself to do it. So, here's to hoping I get better. It's also hard when I feel like everyone around me is already great at it...my program always says you can't compare yourself to everyone else, which is true because we're all different, but it's human nature to compare and sometimes I can't help it. So, aside from struggling with my own confidence, I'm still not sure if this is what I want to do with my life. That may come from the insecurity, so only time will tell. I'm gonna keep sticking it out and trying to do the best I can, but it's a friggen hard program. Who knew grad school would be one of the top 3 hardest things I've done in my life? But, almost done with year one....unreal.

My best friend Steph was my first official visitor to Stillwater last weekend, and she also experienced my first Stillwater tornado with me, so that was a big weekend. But it was awesome to have some love from back home come down here to hang out with me! We got to do the whole Oklahoma experience...Eskimo Joe's, tornadoes, and 5 am walmart runs...so, sorry to you Steph for having such an eventful weekend here, but I'm so happy you came!!

To end with the random thoughts swimming in my head lately....I've become very painfully aware of my molars lately, which can probably only mean that my chewing skills will be going even more downhill from now on. This is just a warning to those of you who will have the painful experience of watching me eat; sorry, I'm going to look like a tiger tearing apart my prey. Nasty. Apartment updates: obnoxious upstairs big black truck neighbor boyfriend is back in the picture making the most noise ever possible, which sucks. Trying to let that go because there is so much else to deal with, but it was a glorious four months when he was not here for whatever reason. And if anyone wants to come over and be threatening, I wouldn't complain ;). Also, the weird smell that happens when I turn on my dryer is in fact not my dryer's fault. Still don't know the culprit, so I guess if anyone wants to come over and be threatening AND knows something about ventilation, I wouldn't complain even more! Finally, I've been really obsessed with getting new and good music lately, so if you have any suggestions I am open to them! My recent obsessions have been the new Jason Mraz CD (obviously), Love is a Four Letter Word and The Lumineers CD. I actually went out and purchased the Jason Mraz CD because I actually want to have it in the flesh, as I usually do with his CDs, but there is a deluxe version on itunes for like 3 bucks more that has extra songs and live songs (most of which I've ended up purchasing anyway) so if you don't have an obsession with an actual album, buy the digital expanded CD. Ok, now I'm officially turning my brain off for the night. Until next time, my friends.  

8401 Days

As I sit here, bored, waiting for Spring Break and my barely 3 day trip home, I can't help but daydream about all the things I miss. Which is sad. But hopefully, I'll get at least some when I get there...here's my current list.

1. Pepperjax. I just want a friggen steak wrap. So bad. It's like pregnancy cravings. Every time a picture of anything from Pepperjax comes up on my facebook, a little part of me dies. This is a must do any time I go home. I would eat a steak wrap for every meal if that didn't mean I would probably die of a heart blockage.

2. The Moon. Just in general. I miss going to the moon. I miss drinking Pink Moons. I'm pretty sure every night I got super drunk in college was somehow related to the moon (Sorry, parents!). I just love this place. Maybe just because I miss college and how easy it was comparatively, and this takes me back to those days, but really, I miss that place.

3. Parking my car in a garage. This is mainly because the only good spot outside my apartment in the last few days was under the tree and now my hood is covered - COVERED - in bird shit. Which is just gross. If it's still nice in March, I'm getting a car wash and then leaving my car in there so I can remember what it's like to have it look pretty.

4. The Basement Club. Which is like the Breakfast Club, but way lamer. Lamer because it is actually just two of my best friends and me hanging out in my basement, and because I have to be Ally Sheedy, the creepy one. But I really miss that time, some of my favorite memories come from that basement and those people.

I could really go on for days about things I want to go back to, but, I have to wait 17 more days for that (and yes, there is a countdown on my phone. Don't judge me). Luckily, there are good things keeping me here, too. For one, I have friends who give me the leftover pizza so that I can eat until I get paid. Who does that? Super nice people, that's who. For two, I have homemade Kahlua from my awesome Aunt that I am drinking right now since I am so far ahead on my homework that I can kick back a little :) which is awesome. Three, I have actually kept up on keeping my apartment clean this semester, and I actually really like my clean apartment. It's cute. I much prefer my big bed here than the twin I sleep in at home. There are pros here, too. Thank God.

My apartment. More specifically, my couch. Where the magic happens. Things to notice: Candles, Kahlua, and a hole punch. Girl's best friends? Anyway, someday, I swear I'm going to post pics of the rest of my place for those of you who want to see it and haven't had the "official" skype tour.

What's closer on my phone countdown is my 23rd birthday. 9 days. So pumped. I love birthdays. Not just my birthday, all birthdays. If it's your birthday and you don't want people to know, don't tell me. I want people to sing obnoxiously to you and make you wear weird hats or do embarrassing things. Birthdays are the best! It'll be weird not celebrating with my mom this year, though. I'm kind of nervous, I've never not been home for my birthday (since it was ALWAYS over Spring Break in college) so this is the first one on my own. Not like it will be exciting at all, it's on a friggen Thursday. I'll be in class during the day and clinic at night, at least until 7. So that's kind of super lame. Hopefully some cool things will come up, but honestly, 23 is kind of boring. To quote Blink-182, "nobody likes you when you're 23." I feel like it's a downhill slide from here. All of the birthdays you look forward to after this are not fun ones, so 23 just doesn't seem that fun. And if you asked my 10 year old self where I would be when I was 23, I'm sure I'm none of those places. I bet I would have said "married, getting ready for kids (by 25, duh), living in a house with a career and blah blah blah. None of those things are happening. Which I'm ok with. I never ever thought I'd be going to grad school, never thought I'd be moving to Oklahoma, never thought I would have met some of the people I have who have changed my life, never thought I'd have mono three times, never thought my mom would have breast cancer, never thought I'd get a tattoo, never thought I'd do half of the things I've done to this day. So while my life may not have been in my plans, it's been pretty awesome. I've learned a lot, done a lot, experienced a lot, and I'm ok that it hasn't been anything I've planned. I'll get there, I'm only 22 :)

That was my 19th birthday....already 4 years ago. Holy balls. My hair was so dark! I miss it :)

My most recent big project for school was a book report on The 5 Love Languages. After reading it, I'm basically obsessed with this book. I would like everyone in the world to read this book and learn their love languages. Mine, no surprise, are physical touch and quality time. I just wanna be hugged, man! It's weird, though, realizing that people get love in different ways. It's interesting to think of how this has affected my life....like my mom, for example. She's probably a words of affirmation lady. She gets pissed when I say mean things..."I hate you, you're a jerk", etc. That means a lot to her, whereas for me, words pretty much mean nothing. You could probably tell me I'm the most horrible person in the world and it wouldn't affect me as much as if you refuse to hug me. I want to feel that you love me and for you to want to spend time with me. Your presence to me means that you love me. It's enlightening to realize that people don't necessarily feel loved the way I feel love. Some people hate physical touch, and that's probably not their love language. Fascinating stuff. Read this book. It'll change your life. That was a much bigger plug than I anticipated.....but I'm serious, so good.

I've been listening to a lot of old music lately, which has helped keep my sanity through some tough homework times last week. Everyone should go back and listen to Tracy Chapman, Give Me One Reason or Fast Car, because it's just so good. I still laugh everytime I listen to her because I thought she was a man until I was like 13, but I always thought s(he) was amazing. I also have this really weird pain in the middle of my back that I wish would go away. I hate that I always seem to have these injuries that I generally can't explain. Minus the foot thing, that was my own dumb fault. I can't wait until I get paid....my fridge looks almost as empty as when I first moved in. It has been so awful, I've never been out of money for this long. But I should be getting PAID super soon with my paycheck and my tax refund, so that's pretty great. Hopefully I can get some fun things for my apartment with this paycheck. We shall see. Ok, I'm done. Happy Leap Year tomorrow!

Frustration

Since I spent all of yesterday grading, I'm in burnout mode and since I don't have class tomorrow and don't feel like doing anything productive tonight, I'm going to blog and bitch about things instead.

This first part is pure rampage. Don't read if you don't want to feel my semi-bitter wrath.
***End of post update. Turns out most of this post is kind of on the rampage side. It's my blog, I'll be a bitch if I want to :) ***

First, I want to bitch about drivers in this state. If I have interacted with you in the past seven-ish months of me living here, you know how much I hate drivers in this state. I mean really, I'm not the best driver in the world, but I also haven't been in an accident or gotten a ticket, parking or otherwise - I just knocked on my coffee table to be safe. So, I feel like I can be justified in my frustrations. Let me lay down a few basic, simple facts that drivers really should be aware of. 1. Don't drive with your brights on when there are other cars around. I understand you need to use your brights when you're in the country by yourself so you can see. However, I'm talking to you, douche in the pickup that followed me down 51 with your brights on the entire time. You don't leave them on when people are right in front of you. You blinded me for about 30 minutes. Not cool. 2. The left lane is for passing. Seriously. I can't count how many times I've had to pass someone on the right on the INTERSTATE. That's not ok. You are not supposed to drive in the left lane. You are especially not supposed to drive in the left lane slowly. 3. Stop tailgating. For one, I want to breakcheck you. For two, I can't pass the idiot in the left lane who thinks they can go 10 under the speed limit in that lane, so don't get mad at me because other drivers are stupid. For three, if I get over to let you pass, don't get behind me again and continue to tailgate me. Clearly, lady in the red van, you don't understand what passing is. 4. Go the speed limit. Speed limits on interstates down here are like 10-15 mph higher than they are in NE. Take advantage of that.

Driving rampage over.

It still freaks me out how much more I know I-35 than I ever knew I-80. It pains me to admit that! I also love the drive to Stillwater once you get off the interstate....if there aren't many cars around you can see sooooo many stars. It feels like I'm camping...except I'm driving. Whoops. But it takes me back to the days where I really wanted to be an astronomer or an astronaut. Before the idea of never-ending space and time started scaring the shit out of me, and before I heard the song "Major Tom" and had nightmares for months. Anyway, I still get excited when I can find the big or little dipper, or Orion's belt. And that drive brings it all back to me. Sometimes I still wonder what it would be like if I kept up on that dream...took more physics. Became more nerdy than I already am. Who knows? Weird.

So as evidenced by my previous posts, I've been thinking a lot about people. This is going to sound weird, but I'm really struggling with my problem with believing everyone is telling the truth. I'm really gullible, as I've said before...but I think I really believe that people have others' best interest at heart. I can't lie. I mean really, I can't lie. I get nervous, I giggle, people can see right through me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, even when I don't want to. Yes, it sucks when I don't want people to know things about me because I can't hide it, but honestly, it makes life easier because I don't have to hide behind stories. However, I'm learning people aren't like this. People don't always tell the truth. People actually kind of suck. People let you down...which I think really blows. I accept it, but that doesn't mean I like it. My problem is, how do I stop believing everything everyone says without abandoning my desire to give people the benefit of the doubt? Or do I just need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt entirely? I don't know. People just need to be like me. Except that would be a terribly dramatic and whiney world, so maybe not.

This post is getting really angsty - not my intention - oops. On a brighter note, I think my toe is better. I can almost walk on it without limping, and I wore a real pair of shoes today. Maybe it wasn't broken....it was gross, but potentially not broken. So my streak of perfect boneage (that sounded incredibly slutty. My bad) may continue. Also excting, my birthday is in like two and a half weeks. Which is kind of fun.....potentially. Even more exciting is that I get to go home the week after that....probably looking forward to that more.

I really don't have anything exciting to talk about, this was more to waste time and procrastinate. But, the songs I really like this week are random. 1. Helena Beat, by Foster the People (yes, they have more songs than the one). I just can't get it out of my head. Also, 2. I am not a Whore, by LMFAO. Don't judge me, I just think it's hilarious. "I'm a human, not a sandwich." Brings me back to like sophomore year of college when Anne and I were obsessed with this song....losers :)